May 6, 2013 | etiquette, wedding planning
There's a happy wedding party. Photo courtesy of christytylerphotography.com.
I’ve been so delighted by reading Miss Manners on {Painfully Proper} Weddings by Judith Martin that I want to share another tidbit with you. Miss Manners has a little something to say about bridesmaids:
Bridesmaid abuse has become rampant…. The outrages…result either from tyranny on the part of the bride, or from the observance of an unwieldy accumulation of unauthorized but persistent customs that have made what ought to be a pleasurable duty of friendship into a social and financial burden….
The original point of having bridesmaids was that the bride would wish…to be surrounded by her closest friends. That a group of young ladies might add a decorative element to the ceremony, and that they might want to fuss over the bride a bit…, were merely delightful but incidental advantages….
Things have come to the point where bridesmaids’ appearance is as strictly mandated and inspected as if they were in boot camp and their kindnesses are no more optional than if they had been conscripted.
Miss Manners puts the case so well that it leaves me very little to add. I think the most important point to remember is that while there are a lot of customs regarding wedding attendants, it is most important to treat your friends with the courtesy and consideration appropriate to friendship. After all, you have probably known your bridesmaids longer than you have known your fiance, and it would be nice if they were still your friends after the wedding.
Mar 25, 2013 | etiquette, wedding planning
Etiquette does not prescribe how much you should spend. Photo by Peter Coombs.
I have another pithy little quote for you from Miss Manners on {Painfully Proper} Weddings by Judith Martin. She is here talking about the misplaced notion that etiquette requires spending huge sums of money on any wedding.
Etiquette was portrayed as the villain–the handmaiden of commercialism, whose insidious ceremonial and emotional arguments always favored the spending of extravagant sums of money. It is made to seem rude to ask prices for commercial services and incorrect to limit wedding expenditures… Miss Manners is outraged. Etiquette does not practice extortion.
I’ve touched on this before, so this is just a reminder: If any wedding vendor tries to induce you to spend more by citing the requirements of etiquette, you can tell them that Miss Manners says that “Etiquette does not practice extortion.” And then maybe find a better vendor.
Mar 4, 2013 | etiquette, wedding planning
Is a champagne toast part of your reception planning? Photo courtesy of Artisan Events.
I recently had the pleasure of reading Miss Manners on {Painfully Proper} Weddings by the ever-entertaining Judith Martin. I imagine I will have a few comments to make about this book. Miss Manners and I don’t see eye to eye on everything but I have the greatest respect for her opinions and expertise.
Miss Manners makes a passing reference to the cash bar in her book. She says, “It is true that the hosts of the wedding reception are responsible for providing refreshment for their guests, a point not to be taken for granted in the day of that abomination called the ‘cash bar.'”
This is an area where I wholeheartedly agree with Miss Manners. If you want to throw a certain kind of party after your wedding but if you also can’t afford that party, it is considered impolite to ask your invited guests to pay any part of the cost. Why? Because the idea of hospitality, at its very core, implies that you give your guests as a gift whatever food, drink, and entertainment are provided.
So, what do you do if funds are short and standards are high? Your options are limited. You are permitted to ask your close family to help fund your wedding, if they are both willing and able. But, of course, “He who pays the piper calls the tune.” If you get help paying, you may have to give up control over some aspects of your wedding reception. Other than that, your other option is to scale back and throw a party within your means. I know that no one wants to hear that advice. But it’s good practice for married life!
Aug 3, 2009 | Budget Planning, Day-of Coordinating, etiquette, wedding planning, Weddings
"Shall we tip the limo driver?" Photo by Happy Buddy PhotoArt.
I get asked sometimes about tipping wedding or party vendors. Now, I’m not an etiquette expert, but here is what I know. My rule of thumb is that it is never wrong to tip someone if they have provided you with exceptional service. If someone goes above and beyond the call of duty, you will never be wrong to show your appreciation in a tangible way. For most vendors, however, tipping is still optional.
There are some exceptions to that last rule, however. Food servers, hair stylists, and drivers are some of the people whom it is customary to tip. Your catering contract probably includes a gratuity. If so, then you have already tipped the staff. If you want to show further appreciation, you may, but it is not necessary.
If your stylist or limo driver is also the owner of the company, then it is not customary to tip, because they already have the full benefit of the payment you are making. I heard recently about a hair stylist who works for herself. She was going to charge $150 for a simple updo and then wanted an 18% tip on top of that. I recommended to the bride-to-be that she find a different stylist, as in that case the tip is a form of highway robbery.
I understand that it is also not customary to tip musicians. But the first rule still applies: Anyone who gives exceptional service might merit a reward. But don’t stress over tips. Most independent contractors don’t expect them and they are a very pleasant surprise if you do give one.
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