Sometimes you have to do something a little different at your wedding. Photo by Danielle Heinson.
Last week I wrote about the importance of having the wedding you want and how it can keep you from putting unreasonable pressure on yourself. But there’s another side to the question: How can you convince your families that your choices are right for you? Sometimes when you break with tradition, it’s hard to explain it to your family. And–let’s be real–sometimes it’s not worth it to break tradition if it’s going to make your family unhappy. Only you can decide what’s more important.
If you do decide to have a wedding that your family may not approve of easily, you’ll probably have to explain why you are doing what you are doing. In case you’re in this situation, I’d like to offer a few ideas for ways to present your thoughts in a persuasive manner.
If you’re inviting your family to your wedding, it’s probably because you love them. So let them know that even if you are doing things differently, you still love them and still value their opinions–even if you plan to ignore them entirely. But if you’re getting married, it’s because you are an adult and–as an adult–you get to make your own choices about your life, including your wedding.
You can also point out that your wedding is about you and the person you are marrying. Yes, family is very important, but the central focus of the occasion just happens to be you. You and your future spouse have to agree on what kind of wedding you want and how to accomplish that. I think that this important point is often overlooked: Planning your wedding with your future spouse is the first big test of your marriage. Wedding planning is, in some ways, a trial run for how you will make all the big decisions of your life together. You’re creating a new family unit, and sometimes that means pulling away from your families of origin just enough to make a new life for yourselves.
There is, of course, always the issue of money. If one family or both is paying for the wedding and reception, that changes the dynamics. The person writing the checks always has the power to influence the wedding. So, that is something to consider when you begin your planning. If you don’t think your families will approve, do you want to give them a monetary veto? If you don’t have a choice, you may have to give up some autonomy.
Your wedding is also a reflection of who you are as a couple. Chances are, your families will always have some input into it because you aren’t completely separate from your family. But when you are going to do something they never thought of, be prepared to stand your ground. I hope you’ll have some good arguments now.
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